That's Not My Flashlight...
by jeri
Summary: Sequel to 'Pencil, Earthling?'; the X-Fools Finale


TITLE: That's Not My Flashlight...  
AUTHOR: jeri  
E-MAIL: ggal1116@yahoo.com OR agentjeri@thexfiles.com  
WEBSITE: http://www.geocities.com/jeris_basement/index/html  
RATING: PG-13  
CATEGORY: XRH, M-POV  
KEYWORDS: MSR, post-ep  
SPOILERS: Requiem  
ARCHIVE: Yes to Legacy, Gossamer, and those who ask.  
STARTED: September 25, 2000  
FINISHED: September 27, 2000  
  
SUMMARY: The X-Fools series finale!  
  
**DISCLAIMER: No me own-o. No you sue-o. That goes for   
everything I've stolen in this, not just the X-Files stuff.  
  
This one's for you, Brie ;)  
  
^*^*^  
  
::Previously, on the X-Files::  
  
:: So in three days, we'll get to go home. Yes, even me.   
Luke has assured me that I will be able to get home in time   
for my son Thomas William's birth, and I will be allowed to   
live out my days on Earth as a father.  
I'm so happy.  
Of course, I'll be even happier when I'm home and a certain   
G-woman is in my arms again.::  
  
^*^*^  
  
Luvrgal4Me: you're what  
  
SenorSpooky: you heard me i'm coming home they're dropped of   
the oregonians last night and tonight it's my turn  
  
Luvrgal4Me: where are they bringing you to dc or to someplace   
more remote  
  
SenorSpooky: i haven't the faintest idea all i know is this   
it won't be oregon  
  
Luvrgal4Me: well how will you get home can you rent a car or   
something because i really don't think i should be flying   
right now  
  
SenorSpooky: i agree as soon as i'm back on terra firma and i   
know where i am i'll let you know my plans  
  
Luvrgal4Me: all right just call me as soon as you can i miss   
you so much mulder god it's funny tommy's been really active   
tonight almost like he knew that you were on your way  
  
SenorSpooky: aw scully  
  
LskywalkJK: mulder get back here now  
  
SenorSpooky: um ok  
SenorSpooky: scully i have to go now i'll call you just as   
soon as i can  
  
Before she can reply I close our connection. What I didn't   
tell her is that I have a 'task' to accomplish before getting   
off this space taxi for good.  
I anxiously head back to the conference room, where   
Luke/Eddie/BF is waiting with his bosses to decide my fate.  
"Fox William Mulder. You do know that your notable powers   
have made you a valuable commodity to our people, correct?"  
I hesitate. "Well, I knew they *were*, but I thought my   
skills were no longer needed, and that was why I was being   
freed."  
The head honcho, whose human form reminds me disturbingly   
of Bill Clinton, speaks up. "Your skills are not needed   
presently, that is true. However, there's always the   
possibility that they may be needed in the future."  
Great. Happy happy joy joy. "I understand, sir."  
"So, Fox William Mulder, you must perform a task to prove   
to us that you are better suited to Earthlife. Are you ready?"  
I sucked in my breath. "I'm ready."  
PseudoClinton stood up. "Follow me."  
  
^*^*^  
  
I'm led to the control area of the ship; the bridge, I   
suppose Trekkers would call it. PseudoClinton motions for me   
to sit in Kirk's chair. I do, though I'm very wary right now.  
"Fox William Mulder" (God, I wish he'd stop calling me by   
my full name!) "you will have exactly one hour to learn to   
master the ship's controls and steer us to a place where I   
can get a plant for my room."  
I blink. "Excuse me?"  
PseudoClinton shrugs. "I've always thought having a plant   
would make this old ship feel more homey. I think a shrub of   
some kind would do nicely."  
I feel a laugh bubble in my throat, but I choke it back   
down. "A...a shrubbery?"  
"Yes, bring me a shrubbery!"  
Oh.  
My.  
God.  
Me thinks PseudoClinton's a little too fond of Monty Python...  
"We shall leave you to your task. The clock is running,   
Fox William Mulder." With that, he leads his underlings out   
of the room.  
Crap, I've got less than an hour to figure out how to fly   
an alien spacecraft? Where's Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith when   
you need them?!  
But wait. They want me to prove that I'm better suited to   
Earth, right? Well, wouldn't a normal Earthling have no   
fucking clue how to drive one of these babies? So maybe I   
should just sit back and think about how Scully's gonna look   
when I *finally* get to see her.  
But what if they think I'm going to do that. What if that   
really fails me, and then they don't let me go?  
  
LskywalkJK: mulder i seriously suggest that you get your ass   
in gear it's not really that difficult and you will be set   
free as long as you bring them to the right spot  
  
SenorSpooky: gee thanks lukey that really helps a lot i can   
really narrow down my options  
  
LskywalkJK: they just want to know why you belong on earth   
dumbass give them one or two good reasons and a shrubbery   
and you'll be free  
  
He logs off then, and after a few more moments of trying   
to reach him, I get a really pissed off away message for my   
efforts.  
Okay, so I really do have to figure this out. Luke/Eddie/BF   
hasn't steered me wrong since I got here, so I'm going to   
trust him again.  
So...how do I prove that I belong on Earth? Well, if you   
belong somewhere, then that means you have a reason to be   
there. So what's my reason for existing? Well, if I think   
optimistically for once, it would seem as though everyone has   
some tangible purpose for being alive. And, optimistically   
still, the fact that I'm not dead yet suggests that I have   
not fulfilled my purpose at this point in time.  
So what do I have left to do?  
Hmm...I wonder...  
As soon as I figure out these controls, I'm setting a course   
for home. For Scully. And my son.  
  
^*^*^  
  
God damn it all to hell!!!!  
Pardon me, I'm a bit annoyed right now. We are presently   
cruising at 4,000 MPH in a westerly direction. Directly *away*   
from DC. I think I'm closing in on Honolulu.  
The best part is that I got a nice little reminder from   
PseudoClinton a few minutes ago. "Fifteen minutes, Fox William   
Mulder." Yes, Your Horniness, I understand.  
So I'm trying like hell to figure out either turn around   
*really* fast, or speed up. If I continue I this direction,   
there's no way I can make it in time. But if I turn around,   
I may be able to pull it off...  
Suddenly, I feel my brain go on AutoPilot...um, no pun   
intended. My hands begin to move of their own accord, and the   
next thing I know is that I'm turning the ship around and   
speeding up.  
Daddy's coming, Tommy. Daddy's coming.  
  
^*^*^  
  
It is with great exuberance that I hop out of the spaceship   
and begin digging up the first shrubbery I see outside Scully's   
window.  
Luckily for the aliens, it's 2:21 in the morning, and no   
one has seemed to notice the rather large, other-worldly craft   
sitting in the middle of Georgetown.  
"That is a very nice shrubbery, Fox William Mulder,"   
PseudoClinton comments. "Do you have any suggestions how I   
should take care of it?"  
I pause in my digging. "Um, I'm really not the best person   
to ask about that, Your Hor--oliness. Do you mind if I go wake   
my partner so I can show you why I belong here, and then she   
can give you that information I'm sure."  
After a moment of careful pondering, he agrees. I ditch   
the makeshift shovel I put together from spatulas from the   
ship's kitchen and hurry into the apartment via the kitchen   
door.  
As I walk through the darkened apartment, I take note of   
all the subtle differences since I'd last been there: a crib   
in the corner, just waiting to be put together; a beautiful,   
hand-painted toy chest that I know came from Charlie; an old   
heirloom rocking chair that I told her to snag from the storage   
place where all of my mom's furniture is stashed. I have fond   
memories of my mother rocking Sammy in that chair. I think even   
my father took a turn or two with it.  
Back to the task at hand. I make my way to the bedroom,   
preparing myself for the onslaught of hormones that I know   
will be aimed in my direction.  
  
SenorSpooky: scully wake up  
  
Luvrgal4Me: not now mulder i'm sleepin  
  
SenorSpooky: scully i really think you should wake up now   
there's something you need to see  
  
I see her start to stir, so I decide to help her along by   
gently brushing my finger against her cheek. It's killing me   
to use this much restraint; I just want to dive under the   
covers with her and celebrate my homecoming.  
  
Luvrgal4Me: mmm mulder that feels nice  
  
I try not to laugh out loud. Even after four months, she   
still knows my touch! I spread my palm over the bright crown   
of her hair. "Scully, open your eyes," I whisper.  
She turns over and obediently follows my directions. Her   
eyes open...wide.  
"Mulder! Oh my god, I can't believe it! Are you...I mean,   
you're..."  
Now I do laugh. "Yes, I'm really here, and as much as I'd   
love to chat right now, I really need you to come with me   
outside while I dig up a shrubbery to give to the head alien.   
Oh, and you need to tell him how to take care of it."  
I grab her hand and drag her from the bed. I decide not to   
look at her belly just yet, opting to wait until I have all   
the time in the world to enjoy it.  
As I help her put on her coat, she turns to me and says,   
"A shrubbery, Mulder?"  
I nod sagely. "Yes, a shrubbery."  
She sighs. "We'll need a flashlight."  
"Uh...Scully?"  
  
THE END!!!   
  
------ENTER FAT LADY------  
  
------FAT LADY SINGS------  
  
^*^*^  
  
No, you cannot convince me to write another one. Don't whine,   
it's unbecoming. But I may give permission for someone to do   
an authorized sequel.  
  
Also, in the Grand Tradition of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the   
Galaxy and subsequent sequels, this series is hereby dubbed   
The X-Fools Trilogy.  
  
4 out of 5 doctors say expressing your enjoyment of a fanfic   
to its author increases your life expectancy 23-23.8 years.   
The other doctor was killed by Cancerman before we could ask   
him.  
  
jeri, president, xpab: x-philes against bees  
Join by writing to: kill_em_all@thexfiles.com OR  
Visit the xpab site:  
http://www.geocities.com/jeris_basement/xpab.html  
  
And while you're there...  
  
Visit Jeri's Basement:  
http://www.geocities.com/jeris_basement/index.html  



End file.
